My daughter is so wonderful. What dad would not say that.
This week she will be my guest blogger. If you are interested in her blog then go to afunfitmom.com. Plus, if you are interested in her fitness site then go to funfitmom.com.
Be blessed!
Steve
2 Ways to Help Others in Difficult Circumstances
When a crisis happens, most of the time, the outpouring of love and attention is amazing. Whether death, divorce, sickness…people come to the rescue. It is a beautiful thing. However, a lot of damage can happen to the person dealing with the crisis because of the way friends and loved ones handle the situation.
Let me back up…about 9 years ago, I began to do some research on “etiquette”. I wanted to write a book on “what do to in X situation”. My dad had almost died of sepsis. It was the first time our family had a major crisis. It was the first time I witnessed people being there for us at that magnitude in good ways and bad. Sometimes I wanted to tell people that they really weren’t being helpful in the midst of our crisis. Others, I was in awe of how they knew what to do at the exact moment we were in need. I thought if I wrote a book to tell people what to do in certain situations, then the family grieving would be able to avoid extra hurt & pressure.
So, I interviewed people who had gone through divorce, lost a child, lost a father through suicide, had cancer, and more. After my research, I realized that in each person’s situation, what they needed was different. What they needed at the time of crisis was different. Some wanted to be alone, some wanted people around, some wanted meals, some didn’t want to bother with meals, some wanted to talk about the situation, and some wanted to not talk about it. So, my book was never written because etiquette in tough situations is different to each person.
What I did learn, however, two things were universal:
- Only say these 4 Words: “I am so sorry.”
- Be there…but later.
Only say these 4 Words: “I am so sorry.” If you know me, you know I talk A LOT…like “always got in trouble in school” kind of talking. In an awkward or uncomfortable situation, I feel like I ramble on and on. In my research, one thing that everyone said was the only thing a person can say in the midst of a crisis is “I am so sorry”…and nothing else. Shut your mouth and listen. If they want to talk about it, let them. If not, just being there is comfort. What words can you say that will bring comfort to the loss of a child, suicide of a father, divorce, or terminal illness? NONE!
Both times my dad was sick (sepsis and cancer diagnosis), I was amazed at the words people would say…whether by mouth or text. Did they think their words were comforting? And, why did they put the pressure on me to text them back? They didn’t mean harm and really didn’t know better (which was what started me wanting to write a book on etiquette in the first place). All I needed was those four words “I am so sorry”. I didn’t have the energy (although shocking) to talk nor did I want to hash out every detail to every single person who was “concerned”. I was experiencing what my research had shown. Don’t require anything of them. Don’t ask for them to text back. Just say “I am so sorry”.
Again, I still am not perfect in this area. I’ve noticed when friends have experienced crisis…I’ve felt the need to say too much. They don’t want my opinion or advice. All they want is those four words “I am so sorry” and for me to listen. Shut your mouth, Stephanie!!! Geez!
Be there…but later. I’ll never forget a mom sharing with me a story of a year after her child died what her friends did for her. They planted a tree outside the window of her kitchen so that when she was washing dishes she would see it as a reminder of that precious baby. “A year later” really stuck out to me. Let’s face it, a year after a crisis you’ve moved on with your life. I get it…we all are at fault here.
When my dad was diagnosed with cancer, it was crazy. People were coming out of the woodwork. Calling, texting, flying in to see him, bringing food, and on and on. I joked that he was the celebrity cancer patient. Truthfully, it was sort of annoying (if I’m being honest) because it was almost more about them than my dad.
But later (now), the house gets quiet. People don’t come by or text or are too busy to fly in. I get it. I’m the same way sometimes with my dad. There isn’t immediate crisis so I’ve gone on with my life and family in Colorado. But, I notice that the later is more important than the beginning. Because the later, the reality of the crisis has set in. Coping with the new normal is a daily chore.
I believe LATER is when we really need to show up. They’ll be plenty of people there at the beginning. So, be the LATER person…the one who checks in when everyone has moved on with their life, the one who remembers the date of the crisis by doing something kind, the one who brings food, calls or mails a card even when it’s been months since the crisis.
It’s tough to be the LATER person…I fail at it all the time. It took Facebook to remind me that my friend lost her father 7 years ago today to a horrible battle with cancer. It reminded me of the times I haven’t been that LATER person I needed to be for those around me, whether it is loss, divorce, sickness or another crisis.
I did, however, remember to be the LATER person a few years back. When a friend of ours was diagnosed with cancer, I had this prompting to be a LATER friend and to wait to take a meal. About 6-8 months later, I saw her and said, “I want to bring a meal to you guys.” She was so grateful. She said, “I was just thinking last night how I felt like OLD NEWS and everyone had forgotten I was still battling cancer.” People need LATER friends.
You are going to forget and say the wrong thing. You are going to go on with your life sometimes and forget to be the LATER friend. It happens. You are human. But hopefully my research will help you understand and feel more comfortable with crisis etiquette as you love one another.
Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.‘ Matthew 22:37-39
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”John 13:34-35
RESOURCES to use in the pursuit of loving others in difficult circumstances:
This set of “When You Don’t Know What To Say” greeting cards was designed by a cancer survivor after she received an endless stream of cards with messages that didn’t really leave her feeling awesome. She has come up with some great cards to send that convey love and concern.
Just Show Up: The Dance of Walking Through Suffering Together. I haven’t personally read this book (it’s only been out for a few weeks) but it talks about how important it is to just show up for our friends and those we love when they are hurting.
Thanks, Stephanie!